Do you think this opening scene works?

[Kev Owens]

I wouldn't have said before the script- 'hey, this is supposed to be funny- but it might not make you laugh'!

I think it's too short to define the main characters personality, if the story is about a board game designer then it's sets the ball rolling on the story, but I didn't find it particularly funny, and I can't see how anyone's performance could change that.

It seems quite quirky.

[peter_g]

quirky was definitely what I was going for.
Its not designed as a comedy piece but it might, if it were well executed make some people, some small minority laugh. To most people its (hopefully) subtly amusing. thanks for your opinion, kev owens

[OfficeNN]

Yes, It might be funny if you have a good actors, I agree with you. But if you don?t, well... [img]wink.gif[/img]

[peter_g]

Hello everyone. I would appreciate If some of you would give your opinions on this, the opening scene of my movie. Let me first define my objectives in this scene:

1. To show the audience the personality of the protagonist
2. To get the ball rolling on the actual story
3. To amuse the audience, maybe even make them laugh.

Please bare in mind that this script need the right kind of actor to be funny. Just because it does'nt make you laugh reading it does'nt nessecarily mean it does'nt have the potential to make someone laugh with the right talent behind the scene.

FADE IN:
INT. PRESENTATION ROOM - DAY
It's a Dimly lit office with concrete block walls. Three executives - MISTER MURRAY, MISTER MORGAN and MISSES CASSIDY are all immaculately dressed in rather conservative attire. They sit behind a long desk, taking notes occasionally and observing 24-year-old BRAM. Bram is wearing a tweed suit which looks like it was borrowed hastily in an effort to look professional.
BRAM
(with desperate, nervous enthusiasm)
Okay, this game is something that I've been working on for a long while now, something I'm very, very excited about. It's called "life". And that's what it's all about. There are up to four players. Each player is represented on the board by one of these pieces.
Bram puts four of the pieces down on the board game's starting point.
BRAM (CONT'D)
(pointing alot to indicate what he means)
This red one is you, Mister Murray. This green one is for you, Mister Morgan. The yellow one for you Misses Cassidy, and I'll be the orange one because orange is my favourite colour. Now I'm going to roll the dice.
Bram rolls the two dice.
BRAM (CONT'D)
Now, that landed on seven so you go forward seven places Mister Murray.
Bram brings Mister Murray's playing piece forward seven places.
BRAM (CONT'D)
(Bringing the piece forward)
One - Two - Three - Four - Five - Six - Seven. Now, you've landed on a fortune card. You have to pick up a fortune card.
Bram gestures for Mister Murray to pick up a fortune card.
MISTER MURRAY
It says "You have been arrested for a public order offence. Move back two spaces". That's not fortunate, why would that kind of thing be on a fortune card?
BRAM
The fortune cards have both good things and bad things on them.
MISTER MURRAY
Then why are they called fortune cards? Shouldn't they be called something more neutral like...event cards?
BRAM
Event cards?
MISTER MURRAY
Yes, well I'm not saying you should call them event cards, I'm just illustrating that if you were it would make more sense then calling them fortune cards.
BRAM
Look, most of the cards have good things on them.
Bram turns over the top fortune card and realizes that it is has a negative outcome for the player. He puts it to the back and takes another fortune card from the top of the deck.
BRAM (CONT'D)
(Showing Mister Murray)
You see? It says "you have won a talent contest, go forward two spaces"
MISSES CASSIDY
Seems like little more then a glorified game of snakes and ladders to me.
BRAM
Look, it's not ******* snakes and ladders!

Thanks for your opinions,
Peter

[belovedmonster]

unless the guy is moving around like he has something jammed up his *** i cant see how this scene could be funny in the slightest. I also agree that its way too short to to show the audience the personality of the protagonist. How does him saying now you move fwd 7 squares or whatever tell us anything about him? So far all we have learnt is that he makes board games. The second piont...To get the ball rolling on the actual story... you havent really done that either becos you havent set anything up other than what his job is, if you went on to describe how badly this presentation goes and then he is depressed and wants to quit his job, at least then theres something going on, at the mo theres nothing.

I dont wanna be all negative dude, but its hard to say anything positive when its so short. Go write 5 or 6 pages worth and then post it... we might get a sense of pionts 1 and 2 like you are after.

[peter_g]

The idea behind the whole 7 square thing is to show his excintricitys which is a fundamental part of his personality. Because he behaves in such a strange manner, its almost a certainty that he failed in his bid to get his boardgame made. The audiences suspicion is confirmed in a later scene. its an opening pre-credit scene. I was aiming for snappy ness. Perhaps I was misunderstood. Its not designed to be funny, per se, just kind of makes you smile amusing.

Although I take your point belovedmonster. It could do with being longer. Its only a first draft though

Thanks

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 18, 2003 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Peter_G ]</font>

[ComingApart]

I get the impression that you're going for a Coen Brothers type quirkiness. If thats the case, I think the key is to understate the comedy. Let the reader (or viewer) find the humour on their own, don't hit them over the head with it.
Also, pacing and timing are very important. Have confidence in the humor, if you have confidence that it's entertaining, then somebody will be entertained. Not everybody is going to find the same thing funny, write what speaks to you.

[peter_g]

That sounds like very sound advice
Thank you

[redlum]

Yo

I think its good. You can take this in any direction you like. Right now I'm thinking where I'd go with it. Give the characters some descriptions. Or something individual to them in the script.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 19, 2003 09:39 AM: Message edited by: redlum ]</font>

[redlum]

its like the opening scene of The Majestic in the hollywood exec boardroom. Jeese there's so much this opening scene could tell you about the charcter but somethigs aren't in your **** face. All it takes is the right look, at the right angle and zoom. And it can say so much more than writing "he looks depressed". No good if you're trying to sell something but most of us here indie filmmakers, not screenwriters.